Bye for now, Pap

As I type this blog entry, funeral services are being held for Samuel McPherson (known to all of us as "Pap"), in Indiana, Pennsylvania. I've wanted to blog about the past few weeks, but just couldn't bring myself to do it until this morning. It's crazy that I've made it to, well, we'll just call it my middle 30's, never having lost a close family member.
(Photo: Left to Right back row is my Uncle Sam, Uncle Tom, Uncle Dan, my Dad - pictured with g'ma and pap)

I don't even really know what to say with this entry...thoughts galore are flooding my mind right now, and I'm not sure what will flow out.

I have wonderful childhood memories of my grandparents, Sam and Betty McPherson. I was actually born in Indiana, PA. In fact, I was born in the same hospital where my Pap passed away. We moved from PA to Florida when I was just a little girl. Growing up in Florida, it wasn't exactly a hop, skip and a jump getting back to PA, but we made that road trip many times. When I was in Jr. High, we actually moved back to PA for a short time, and lived in our own farm house in Amish country. This was quite an interesting experience, but again, holds some pretty great memories.

A few weeks ago, Pap was put in the hospital. He had a series of small strokes and wasn't doing very well. Dad and Mom jumped in the car and headed to PA to see Pap and G'ma. I might also mention that my sister, Sharon, and her family now live in Pennsylvania too. They aren't terribly far from Indiana, so it's been good that she can keep up with the family there and let us know how things are going.

On Tuesday evening, August 11th, Sharon sent an email with pictures of everyone visiting Pap on the therapy floor of the hospital. On Wednesday, my folks were making another visit to the hospital and out to see g'ma, and were planning to head home. Unfortunately, things changed pretty rapidly from this point, and Pap started to decline quickly. When Bill and I saw the pictures, we both felt the urge to get there and see Pap and all the family again. Bailey's birthday was Thursday, August 13, so since we were going to miss her party, Bill wanted to spend some time with her that day. This worked out fine, as I needed to pack up and get some things taken care of before heading out. I squeezed in a swim, packed all my gear (and I do mean all - even my bike!), and headed out to Bill's house. I dropped Tucker off with Kim and Bailey, moved all my stuff over to Bill's vehicle, and jumped in. It was a little later than we hoped...like 5ish...but we were on the road!

We drove through the night, taking turns sleeping/driving, and arrived at Sharon's house a bit after 7a.m.! It was good to see everyone and be all together. With only 2 hours of sleep, I was a bit tired, but didn't really want to sleep...we wanted to go see Pap. We showered, grabbed some breakfast, and loaded up for the hospital. I wasn't really prepared for seeing Pap that first time. It was mid morning, and he was very sleepy/groggy. He opened his eyes, but they just seemed empty. Oh boy, it sure was tough seeing him like this. Dad looks so much like Pap too, that it was really just more than I could take at that moment. We didn't stay long on this first visit, 'cause Pap just wanted to go to sleep. I was able to tell him I loved him, and we let him know we'd come back. I was a mess.

It's funny how it sometimes takes moments like this to realize that you should always tell people what they mean to you, and it's pretty silly that we try to hide our emotions. Why does it matter if someone knows you're sad? Why can't you cry without restraint? It's just funny, and perhaps a bit sad. When we got to the car I told my dad I was really sorry he had to see his dad like this. It must be extremely hard.

We grabbed something to eat and headed out to see g'ma at the house. As it turned out, we missed them! Uncle Sam and my cousin, Steve (Tom's son), had taken g'ma to the hospital. We waited at the house for a bit, and then decided to go up to the hospital and catch them up there. It was good to see g'ma, but pretty heart wrenching seeing the way she looked at my Pap in that hospital bed. They've been married for 67 years!!! I cannot even imagine. We were able to talk to Pap this time, and he was responsive - what a relief to know he knew we were there. He was even making jokes like he always did. At one point I asked if he was sleepy. His response..."I'm always sleepy." This was so true and made us all laugh. Pap had a great sense of humor. Sometimes you couldn't tell if he was joking or not, but he was always funny.

Pap was getting tired, so was g'ma, so we all headed out. Saturday, we went back to the house to see g'ma. It was good to see her, the house, and my uncle Sam. Dad has 3 brothers - Sam is the oldest, then Dad, Tom, and Dan. Dan lives in Indiana, but everyone else is now out of state. Bill and I sat in the house for a while, talking to g'ma. We reminisced about the good times we've had there - the hot cocoa and frozen girl scout cookies, Danny and Bill getting yelled at by g'ma 'cause Pap told on them, g'ma working in her office, the clown room, rolling down the hill in front of the house...we could go on and on, and we did. It was nice talking to her. It was also tough seeing her declining too. Her mind is still sharp as a tack, however, and she always has told the best stories (yes, sometimes they really are stories) - I love hearing her describe "stuff" (one of her favorite words).

There were a few times during our visit where Sharon, Bill and I were with Mom and Dad - so strange having the 5 of us together again...just the 5 of us. We laughed it up about some really silly, stupid, funny things that happened over the years. We reminisced a lot about times spent in Pennsylvania. We went for ice cream (a couple times, actually!) at a place we went as children. We went to see the old farm house in Smicksburg, and Dad took us on a drive to show us the house where he grew up, where his friends lived, hills they sledded down, where he went to school, etc. We all really enjoyed these times. It was all bittersweet, really.

The next couple days were more of the same - sleep, eat, hospital, g'ma's, hospital and repeat. I cannot even describe the sadness I felt, sitting in the hospital room with Pap. It was unbelievably difficult watching him lay there, getting weaker each time we saw him. I'm extremely grateful we were all there, and we know that Pap was aware of it. Bill and I returned home on Monday. It was hard to leave, knowing we wouldn't see Pap again. It was also tough leaving Dad and the rest of the family...it was just nice all being together. It was also good to get home, though it seemed so quiet.

Everyone loved Pap - how could you not love Pap?! And, I think we all knew that Pap loved us. He had a wonderful family, loving wife, 4 sons, lots of grandchildren, great grandchildren, many friends, spent years traveling in the RV, camping and just sitting on the porch or sleeping in his chair...he had a full life. Most importantly, Pap knew Christ as his Savior and that's why we were all able to let him go. We know that on Wednesday morning, August 19, when Pap took his final breath here on earth, he was immediately in heaven with God. What a comfort knowing that many of us will see him again someday.

So, goodbye for now, Pap. We love you and will miss you, but we'll see you soon!